A lesson in being stuck, and getting unstuck
When I adopted Charlie, it fit. I’m the type of person who likes having someone to take care of, and when I was working from home I felt less lonely. I had always loved having dogs, and this was going to be the first dog that was all mine. Up until last weekend when I finally gave Charlie away, we were always able to adapt to the changes we had to face together.
When Brazen Careerist moved out of my apartment and into a real office things changed, but we were able to adapt. When the business started getting more demanding, we were able to adapt too. Even when we moved into a 900 square foot apartment with my girlfriend, who initially didn’t like dogs, we adapted.
The change that pushed me over the edge was that I felt stuck. Even worse, I felt as if the dog was stuck too. He showed me that he felt stuck by pulling used coffee filters out of the garbage, tossing the grinds all over the carpet or by opening the refrigerator and eating multiple sticks of butter and then vomiting.
Meanwhile, I showed him I was stuck by spending money. Three-hundred dollars a month on average to be exact. That’s chump change compared to what parents spend on daycare for their kids, but for a twenty-something making startup money, doggie daycare is a bitch.
Pun, definitely intended.
When Charlie first came into my life I wrote a post where I said, “you couldn’t take my dog away from me with an army behind you.” I really believed that, and I can honestly say that I tried everything to make it work.
Giving Charlie up was easily one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. There are days when I regret the decision. There are even days where I look down by my fireplace and wonder why he’s not there. But I really have to believe that letting him get unstuck was the right thing to do. Hopefully, it will help me get unstuck too.
One of the most important things I’ve learned from being in a startup is to not let yourself get stuck. When people get stuck, businesses fail. Give it the proverbial “college try” of course, but if it doesn’t work, move on.
Such is the same in other aspects of our life.
I was thinking that at the end of the post I might tell you to not get a dog if your life is unstable, like mine. But I don’t really think that’s right. In fact, a dog might be exactly what you need.
When I got Charlie, I was lost in a lot of different ways. I was in a new city. I had been struggling to find meaningful relationships with people. I wasn’t even sure if Brazen Careerist was going to work. Then I adopted a 2-month-old chocolate lab puppy. He didn’t fix any of my problems, but he reminded me to take joy in the more simple pleasures of life—something that I had forgotten.
So who am I to say that having a dog isn’t right for you? During the two years that I spent with my own dog, I’ve experienced so much joy. And even though after two years of fetching, chasing and cleaning up poop our relationship no longer made sense, I wouldn’t trade the time I had with Charlie for anything.
RyanPaugh
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19 Responses for "A lesson in being stuck, and getting unstuck"
Ryan – that's rough stuff to give up a dog, but you did it for exactly the right reasons – for Charlie, and that's to be admired. It's not that you loved Charlie any less, but Charlie needed more than you could give, and perhaps more space, too. Labs are such extroverted dogs, they need a lot of attention…and sounds like he told you he needed it. Bravo for getting the message, and giving him what he needs.
And perhaps another great post would be choosing the RIGHT dog for your life. As an introvert – the labs and retrievers of the canine (and human) world can make me a little crazy. My chilled out, independent greyhound is the perfect choice for me and my 900 sqaure feet. He's cool hanging by himself when I'm putting in the long hours, is happy when I get home, but after about 10 minutes of attention, we're both ready to go back to our own lives.
I keep not getting a dog because I tell myself it will mean I have to come home every night, I won't be able to go out of town as much, I won't be able to sleep in. But it kind of kills me when I see other people with their dogs. My sister had to give her dog away too because the everchanging living situation of a standup comic was not working, and I know she feels bad about it every day too.
I mean, I guess it's just another reason I'm sure careful about birth control.
This is why I don't get a dog either. In Portland, everyone has a dog. It's so sad to see them because I want one so bad (a chocolate lab, in fact). But with my lifestyle, it's unfair to the dog.
I know that had to be a really hard decision to make, but it seems like the right one for you and Charlie. It was a selfless decision and I truly admire you for that.
My first experience with a lab was in college. His name was Tyson and he lived with 50 guys in our fraternity. He didn't have the chance to get into trouble because there was always something going on. He never got bored.
I think I fooled myself into believing that having my own lab would go just as smoothly. I will not get another lab again until I have a house with a yard, and a job that lets me work from home.
Greyhounds sound great, too. I know a couple down in Florida who adopt them. They're very comfortable with being on their own.
Thanks Chris. It was really hard. I like to think that it was the right decision.
Yep, when I got divorced, I suddenly didn't have any animals anymore (we didn't want to split up the cats and my ex had a place he could keep them at and I didn't) and I also went from having my son full time to only half time.
I think that the two warring emotions were relief and guilt. I felt guilty for being happy that I had some free time to myself finally. Then I had two realizations. First, that it was probably a better scenario for everyone involved and second, that I had never lived alone or had any really selfish time to myself as an adult. Now I don't feel so guilty. I love being able to go out for a beer or to meet friends after work some days of the week.
That actually helps a lot. Thank you.
I'm very relieved, and I've been feeling guilty for that. But Charlie is in a much better place now. So am I.
I had to smile when I read this, Ryan. It took me less than 12 hours to realize there was no way my life was "dog-ready"… I blogged about it here: http://worklovelife.com/2009/04/buying-the-puppy-...
I still want a dog, and cruise rescue sites about once a week. Until I'm not in an 9-6 office job with a 30+ mile commute, it's not going to happen though. Lesson learned. My boyfriend always tells me that having a dog is akin to having a child, responsibility-wise. We're not ready for kids, and we're not ready for a dog. But it's good to know that.
Kudos on your honesty. Too many people are ashamed to admit the responsibility is too much and stay in a bad situation, usually to the detriment of the dog more than the owner.
J.T. O'Donnell (a great mentor of mine) once told me that she thinks having a dog is often harder than having a child. I don't know if I believe that, but I know it's definitely up there in difficulty.
I'm glad I was able to write this post. It helped me come to terms with the difficult decision I had to make.
Having a dog definitely hurts socially. As much as I miss Charlie, right now I feel liberated. I don't have to go home right after work if I don't want to. I missed that.
It makes me think about what it's going to be like when I have kids, too.
Hrmm….tough love time, bro…. I've had my dogs Peaches (12) and Gwen (5) since I was a high school and college student with .98 cents in my bank account. Good times, bad times, I stuck with them and spent the money and energy reading dog training books, paying for their vet bills with book money, spending hours on walks when I rather be working or farting around, and traveling the world with them.
My dogs taught me discipline, caring for others, responsibility and they gave me maturity and a sense of planning (from choosing an apartment, car, neighborhood, work, etc). I have a hard time sympathizing with people who give up their pets simply because they're moving or they're inconvenienced. Dogs at two are young and can behave terribly; they're like teens testing their parents. Just imagine kids!
However, I am really glad you found a proper home for the pup and that's what really matters in this situation. Additionally, I believe you've learned a lot about yourself and what you desire in life and how you accomplish your goals affects others – even your pets. So, high five that things worked out for the better.
Thanks! I'm glad I found a good home, too. Down the line, I'll certainly adopt another puppy, but I am going to wait until things are more stable for me.
During the two years I spent with Charlie I learned a lot too. The most important thing I learned is to be honest with myself. Before I gave him up I knew that I wasn't giving him everything he needed. For so long I has been kidding myself thinking I was doing fine. I wasn't.
Thanks for reading.
I totally know where you are at. 2 years ago, I had to give up my 1-1/2 yo dog. Between my high-need 5 year old, and partner who didn't really want a dog, it wasn't good for anyone. I was devastated, about the dog and my failing relationship, and so was my son. I found a great home for our dog, and he and his new family couldn't be happier.
Now, 3 weeks ago, I adopted a mostly-black-lab mix year old dog from the shelter, with my live-in bf. She's a fantastic dog, and so far, we couldn't be happier. Also helps that we are on the same page with training etc., and she's not a little puppy. So, while I miss my old dog, it was the right decision, and the right dog and situation came into my life at the right time.
Ryan, I stumbled onto your blog about giving up Charlie and it hit home. I'm on the other side of all the experiences you write about, in the sense that my 2 kids are 20-somethings and on their own, and our dog died about 3 years ago. I was not a dog person when we adopted him at age 1 from a shelter, nor did I have any idea what an American Eskimo dog was like. In the 10 yrs we had him before he died of cancer, he was a huge support to my kids and he became my third child. Never in my life had I experienced that kind of relationship with an animal. When he died, it was a devastating experience, like losing a child. But that decade with him — a decade in which I worked from home, monitored my kids through middle & high school, and helped my mother through her last few years — was greatly enhanced by the dog's constant presence at my heels. Now, though, I enjoy my freedom.
That's a great story! My girlfriend and I agree that when the timing is right to get a new dog we're going to adopt one. Gotta pay it forward!
Charlie was a wonderful support system for me too. He caused me a lot of stress, but also helped me relieve the stress in my life that was coming from other places (mostly my job). I enjoy my freedom now too, but am looking forward to a point in my life when I can adopt a new puppy. Now that the weather is so nice here in Madison, WI it's hard to fight the urge to get a new pup.
My boyfriend and I got a puppy very soon into our relationship. I was so worried about it, I grew up with dogs and know how much effort they really are and how tying they can be. Throw into the mix that my boyfriend works 60 hour weeks, so the pup would effectively be my responsibility: to train, to exercise, to keep out of trouble. I'm currently underemployed so having our puppy has given me some sense of greater purpose, I suppose, and I wouldn't trade her for anything. I'm glad we went ahead and got her, but I'm still scared that I'll get a "real job" (I keep looking!) which will put strain on us having a dog, especially a high energy breed (she's a mini Australian shepherd, definitely a runner and a disc dog!). I guess the conclusion I've come to so far is that you have to live for the moment and take chances. I don't regret rushing into bringing home a puppy, because I don't think there really is an experience quite like it. I think you're really strong for making that tough decision that was ultimately best for both you and Charlie, and I hope when you decide to get another puppy in the future it turns out perfectly.
I feel your pain. Part of the reason why I had to get rid of Charlie was because I was working long hours while my girlfriend was at home. She has a full-time job too, but uses our apartment as her office. Charlie was too much of a distraction for her. Not to mention that he's close to 100lbs and difficult to manage on a leash.
I'm glad that you don't regret your pup. He'll bring you a lot of happiness if you have the time and energy that he needs.
Best of luck!
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